I’m trying to fill myself up with happy,
Because the world keeps pulling at me,
Pain pours out of my mouth,
A little nappy headed Black girl from the South,
My glass won’t stay full,
It’s a struggle to get a refill,
When my lips are a gape,
From my teenage rape,
From the oppressive hate,
And the old “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”,
Well, my feet are bare,
I like the dust on my ankles,
And the grass in between my toes,
And the wrinkle in my nose,
That doesn’t have time to smell the roses,
When there’s blood on the leaves,
So I try so tenderly,
To fill myself up with happy,
I spin in circles until I’m dizzy,
To see if that brings a smile,
Remembering running wild with my cousins at my granny’s house,
I’m trying so hard to fill my cup,
Until it runneth over,
Like the tattoo on my shoulder,
I’ve got a chip,
Sick of this bullshit,
Pain keeps pouring out,
Why is it so hard to be Black the South,
From the South to the North to the East to West,
The target on my chest they’re aiming for is my heart,
A bomb bursting in air,
She tired,
She’s sick of fussing and cussing about the same old things,
Which becomes new things,
Broken dreams,
Bleeding out on concrete streets,
A Black man can’t even take a run,
Without being shot in the stomach,
And I’m empty from this,
I’m trying to fill myself with happy,
But how can I be happy when another Black man is dead,
The sleepless nights of all the names that run through my head,
And we have to carry their names,
Carry this pain that pours,
When it rains,
A monsoon done washed over America,
This bitch is wet with regret,
But a flag doesn’t fret,
So I moan for my people,
My tears pull out the words from the headlines,
And try to make sense,
Outta madness,
But no sense can be made,
From a senseless death,
Without consequences,
Why do I have to keep explaining that Black Lives Matter,
When these folks gladly splatter our blood on concrete,
Two feet planted,
Become unrooted,
Dead,
He’s dead,
Another Black man dead,
There’s video of that shit,
His murder,
For all the world to see,
Through racist colored glasses,
Colored only,
Against the masses,
Weapons of mass distraction,
I’m trying to fill myself up with happy,
But I’m choking on the blood of my people,
Spilled because we’re not seen as equals,
There’s not enough cats on the internet to fix this mess,
No pretty songs about how my heart will go on,
I’m struck in the beautiful rut of being Black,
That’s why I’m so upset,
I want to be,
Without the fear of dying,
Why is it so easy to exterminate my existence,
I’m trying to fill myself up with happy,
But in this world,
Ain’t enough happy to fill that.
